The sound of the fans, seem so overpowering over the music I play.
The window is cracked a bit and I faintly hear the cars whizzing by on the wet pavement.
I anticipate. Uncertain of what the few minutes may entail.
I felt as though I was speaking in another language.
For the look of confusion filled your face.
Was I not clear on what I wanted? Or needed?
I wanted to tell you those words that have been on my mind for so long now,
but wasn't sure if it the right time. Or the right place.
Were you feeling what I was? Was I ashamed of what could be rejection?
Maybe you are right. Maybe I was afraid and scared of being hurt.
I didn't want to make any promises. Discernment filled my mind.
Was I more insecure about my abilities than I portrayed?
I wanted to have a family. I wanted things to be just right.
And I felt as though it all slipped through my veins in an instant.
A single heartbeat and it was gone.
Was this reality? Is this how life was supposed to be?
I wasn't sure what to think. When you didn't arrive.
I stared into the blankness of the rain falling down.
Feeling that it should be my tears falling from those clouds.
My body yearned for love, yet was only filled with heartache.
I wanted to cry. But didn't know how.
I was so unsure what to feel. The confusion embellished my mind and I felt empty again.
As though someone took knife and cut me. Feeling not the blood, but all my emotions pour out.
Nothing could stop it. I guess that was what I was scared of.
Being helpless and you having all the control.
I was like a puppet in your hands. Melted within the lines of your palm.
Through each stress line--throughout each vein, I was there.
I should of told you when I had the chance. We make excuses about the right time.
Yet, would there ever be a "right time"?
I chuckle about the silliness. About how juvenile it seemed and we're adults...
Living these huge responsibilities, yet, we can't even say we love each other.